Life, What Art Thou?

Aiye… life.  What is this thing called “life”?  *sigh*  I spent the evening getting reacquainted with my best friend from when I was 14, 15 years old.  As a kid, my family moved a lot. 10 schools in all, kindergarten through high school’s senior year, and that doesn’t count all of the moves.  In each location, I had a “best friend”, but to me, she was the best friend of all best friends.  The one I clicked with the most, and the one I always wondered how she was doing all these years.  To be quite frank with you, many of those years are now all mushed together in my head.  It’s a funny thing too, because I used to be obsessed with remembering every event and detail, regardless if it was big or small.  Years ago, I was so focused on remembering everything that went on, so I could at some point in my future, analyze everything that had happened… in hopes to someday process it all so I could eventually move on from the B.S.  That was the plan anyway, and I think I can say that I did follow through on that plan.  That was my gift to myself, and I have learned so much from that process and healed a lot (thankfully).  I do, for the most part, consider myself victorious over all that crap.  I think that’s why I don’t remember a lot of it now.  I truly have put it behind me.

Three hours into our dinner, it was time to go home and she needed to check-in her at her hotel as she was in town on business.  I really enjoyed hearing about her life, and telling her about mine.  Many questions that were abruptly left unanswered almost two decades ago were finally put to bed.  It was great to see that she has become successful and found a place in life where she is stable and takes good care of herself.  More than anyone, I think she deserves it. 

But as I drove home, the emotions started to hit me.  The grief, sadness, anger, frustration… so much crap happened in our childhood.  There is so much water under the bridge.  I had a hard childhood, and hers, realistically, was at least twice as hard as mine.  Maybe three times harder… who knows if it can really be measured?  Fighting back the tears, and the indigestion (I won’t be eating there again), I just can’t help but ask myself what this thing called life is all about.  There are days I think I got it all figured out.  It’s a “spiritual school” where we learn love, and we learn pain, and we learn to move through it all, all the while loving and hurting.  It’s a yin/yang thing.  And then there are nights like tonight, where my heart is overflowing, and I just feel the loss and wonder, truly, what it is this thing called “life” is all about.

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